After getting shot in the face with nails, I rip them out and throw them at the mermen with my bionic arm

Then break down in tears because of the holes in my face and the sight of Sir eating the last fudge ice cream
D,:

Malevolent leaves the closet, still listening to Jeepers Creepers, sneaks up behind sam, and Chainsaws off his head RE4 style.

The crocodile is about to finish off the crying Jed, but realises that it is pointless. He gains emotions, and realises mutiny. He hovers toward me, knocking THE LAST CHOCOLATE FUDGE ICE CREAM out of my hand, and scamprering away through a small hole in the wall. I burst through the wall with my two power drills, and end up in the same corridor as Claymorez, the crocodile in plain view of him.

I dive for the ice cream and mange to save it.
I retreat, savouring my prize

The crocodile fires some nails at me, and I catch them, using them to nail the power drills to my foot. I then flying-kick-to-the-face Jed, drilling into his skull.

I use the new hole in my skull to fit a bionic eye into, and give me the ability to see behind me!
(Is this allowed?)

I respawn inside a JCPenney, Far away from the fight.

"hell, i might as well change my clothes while i'm in here" I think aloud, looking down at my bloody, torn clothes.

After i leave the store with a brand new outfit, i see the chaos before me, and grin widely. I then reach for my energy swords, but remember that they exploded previously. My mind ponders as to what weapon it would use next. Then the 2nd floor Gamestop pops into my head.

"I know i saw a Lancer in there before, maybe it's still there!" I thought

Then i remember the giant crowd of people and mass mayhem before me.

"The elevator is on the other side that crowd. Without any video game based weapons on hand, how am i gonna get to it?"

I respawn in a "Golf 'n' Staplers" store, (what? Do then not have them in America?) grab myself another staple gun and a new pair of golf putters, and hop out, attempting to find a way of preventing the water level from rising.

I return from the farming equipment store with 5 sickles, and run towards the magnet store. I pass a shop with some tape in the window, and I smash it and take it as I go.

Once I get there, I prepare my latest idea.

I find sam outside a golf store, turn on my lighter and use the hair spray to light him on fire.

Bitch, stealing my hair-spray flamethrower idea from way back on page one!
Anyway, I grab one of the old nearby mecha-lions, wrench it's head off and pull off the nail gun. I then superheat the nails with my lighter, then leap to a safe distance and fire directly at the hair spray can, causing it to explode. Then I, uh, burn to death, respawning in another nearby "Golf 'n' Staplers" store.

I attach 2 magnets onto each end of the sickle blades (I remove the handles), get a powerful electromagnet, and show up in the edge of the chaos again.

I throw the sickle like a boomerang, and use the electromagnet to control it's position. It spins back and forth, and it reaches Ren3004, puncturing him in the back, exiting and re-entering his chest cavity until he bleeds to death. I then pull back that sickle blade, and prepare my next one...

Trying my best to not get noticed, i sneak around the crowd, hiding behind benches and pillars, until my reach my goal.

"The Elevator! I made it!"

I rush to the gamestop and find the Lancer, still in one piece. I walk out the store and rev it's built-in chainsaw.

"Ok motherfuckers, come n' get me." I say under my breath.

I respawn in the supermarket, get a new hair spray can and start looking for someone. I finally notice SirBryghtside in the ice cream aisle, and set him on fire, saying

"This is the bright side of life!"

I then turn to Jedamethis, and try to do the same to him. However, once again I am punished for my bad pun, and accidentally turn the hair spray on myself.

"MY EYES! MY EYES!"

I respawn back in the elevator, hardly knowing how I got killed again.

I realize that I had respawned without any weapons, and, seeing my cocktail cannon still by the fountain, I quickly dive in the water to retrieve it.

Dodging my way through mermen, I retrieve it and head back up to the surface, only to almost be beheaded by Pm0n3y's chainsaw. Diving back in, I made my way to the other side of the mall, towards the "Golf n' Staplers" store.

"It's been revoked!" I yell, leaping from the top of a staircase and assaulting Azraellod with my two golf clubs, engaging him in a Star Wars-style sword fight, with much spinning and leaping from things onto things.

I crawl out of the store, realizing my vision is slowly returning, and manage to find my way to the hardware store, to put in practice another idea from that book.

I grab a length of rope, a hook, and a small gas canister, using them to make an improvised grappling gun.

I see XIII running in the floor above me, and try to impale him with the gun.

Unfortunately, the hook just flies a few feet and drops to the floor. That's what I get for using comics as a source of inspiration...

I am on fire, so all the ice cream melts, including THE LAST CHOCOLATE FUDGE ICE CREAM!

I respawn in a Pet shop, and take a sniffer dog and lead, rushing back to the supermarket.

Having to improvise, I grab the rope and start swinging it around, impaling enemies with the hook. It seems to be working pretty well, until I end up impaling myself in the stomach.

"Henh heh heh...oh, this is excitin'" I comment as I'm drying my gun, watching the action across the mall.

I then hear a commotion above me, and realize that two people were fighting star-wars style towards me!

I jump out of the way, and, since they didn't seem to notice that, jump back a few more feet and aim at the two would-be Jedi.

"Bye bye! Eh hee hee hee hee...!"

I dodge out of the way of sam g, trying to put enough distance to get one of my sickles to get a proper spin on it. I keep dodging until I get my back to the wall, at which point sam takes a swing at me with a club at head height. I duck, and the club embeds it's-self in the wall.

As sam tries to pull it out, I slip away, and get a proper swing in on my sickle. I start to use the electromagnet, but as it reaches sam, he pulls the club out of the wall and blocks it. I prepare for another strike at him, throwing a second sickle at him and attacking him with it from above this time.

While Ren pulls out the hook in his stomach, i run up to him and pistol whip him with the Lancer, stunning him even further. I rev the chainsaw's engines.

"Uh oh, you know what that sound means!" I say, before slicing him in half with the Gears of War gun.

I then throw a smoke bomb down unto the first floor, and jump over the second floor's ledge into the smoke and the crowd.

Ouch, that hurt...

Anyway, I drag my body to the pharmacy to try and to something about my injuries

---30 minutes later---

YES! With only a length of thread, a needle, a bottle of painkillers and one and a half years of medical school, I manage to stitch my self together.

Now this is personal...

I grab some medkits from the back room and head towards the smoke.

Smoke? There? What's going on?!

I stop aiming at the two and run after Ren, then realizing that "Why could I be running after him, when I could just destroy him?" and fire a cocktail at him.

The cocktail detonates, and all that's left is a dirt crater on the floor.

I cackle as I run by, towards the smoke.

i respawn outside a wine store, i enter and get drunk of my ass i exit the store covered in rags, latex, and drenched in alcohol. i then light myself on fire and charge at XIII's Number XIV and prepare to tackle him.

Ah, I saw that coming. Using my ninja skills, I jump out of the way of the cocktail at the last moment and grab the railing of the floor above me. When XIII passes below me, I throw scalpels I had obtained from the pharmacy at him, pinning him to the floor.

I laughed as Excitednuke tackles Ren instead, then proceeded to try and break free of the scalpels. Luckily, I still had my cannon with me, so I used that to knock most of the scalpels off, then freed myself. I quickly aimed and fired at the two.

Excitednuke tackles me into the fountain, thus putting out the flames. I use one of the medkits to heal my burn wounds.

OK, this seems pretty standard... a couple of syringes, some bandages... Oh, what is this weird feeling? My wounds are healed, but the medkit disappears from my hands.

Malevolent runs around, the area flooded totally, him using a chainsaw and a shotgun on anyone that gets too close.

I find a canister of liquid nitrogen and use it to freeze all the water in the mall. Malevolent gets stuck in the ice. His arms are frozen in place, so that he can only aim the shotgun directly ahead of him.

i see my flames have went out and Ren is fully healed, i lunge my head forward and take a bite out of Rens neck, i pull my head back holding a chunk of Rens neck in my mouth and my face covered in blood, i promptly run away screaming realizing what i have done was crazy.

Damn... I use another medkit to heal my neck, pick up a fire extinguisher from the floor and walk up behind Malevolent.

Malevolent uses the kickback from the shotgun to break free, turns around, and blows Ren's brains out.

i sneak up behind malevolent and bite into his neck, ripping a hole in his esophagus. he hits the ground unconscious, he dies by bleed out. i then begin to eat his corpse.

You just kind of piss him off with the bite, as he elbows you away shortly after that. He then takes a shotgun and removes your face.